Oy, guv'men! Yeah, you there in the trenchcoat and dark glasses... don't you go thinking I ain't got my eyes on you. If you think you can come into my domain, swipe my privacy and walk all over my petunias, you got another think comin', slimy slug, you.
No, really, when the largest democracy* in the world starts behaving like the largest repressive communist regime, it's time for one to wonder why everyone's so democrazy. What's the difference between "democracy" and "monarchy"# anyway, aside from the pronunciation? Democracy is fair, transparent, and puts the people in charge. Oh sure, that's what the brochure says... but then you take the vacation and you see it looks nothing like the pictures.
I smile a little every time I see that sign on the Karnataka Vidhana Soudha that says "Government's work is God's work". A fine message to the people, if you ask me. Pray and hope is about all a citizen can do and as God moves in mysterious ways, so does the government in cryptic ways, thus validating that delightful metaphor.
Returning now to the subject at hand. The government wants unfettered access to data on RIM, Google and Skype's networks (and corporate VPNs! Does the Al Q even have one?), ostensibly in the interest of "national security". This has been reported widely over the media and the internet but surprisingly, I've seen no objections from any corner. Now "security" is the modern day "fnord". The makes people vaguely uneasy and very compliant. "Saar, please open car boot, security", right? Noone's asking why. Noone's saying "what if the bomb is hidden under the passenger seat"?
RIM tried to put up a fight but gave in. Google and Skype will cave without a whimper. In all this, who's thinking about the privacy of the poor career terrorist? Me, for starters. So dear terrorist, if you're looking for ways to shred India's foolproof e-comforter, put your black hat on and follow me. Here's what you can do to communicate freely with your terrorist buddies without that pesky government getting in the way-
- Use snail mail. No dummy, it's not like pigeon mail at all! I mean the Indian Postal Service. Not very fast, but with judicious use of lemon juice (and anonymous P.O. boxes), you should be alright.
- Use Bing. If the NSA's got their fingers in that jar (shame on you Microsoft!), try creating an account at AlQaida.com. Or head to GoDaddy.com and create your own domain (free email accounts complimentary). It's about Rs.2000 a year... cheaper than a box of 7.62s!
- "But I really miss gmail's friendly AJAX interface!". Ok, use gmail then. Yes, it's still an option! Just PGP your message and wipe the silly smirks off the NSA's stupid face.
- Use gmail with steganography. This way, your message can look like a passionate dissection of the latest Spongebob episode while your signature image contains your real message ("Let's Bomb-ay!"... get it? Get it?).
- Get creative. Just because you're stupid (well, you are a terrorist, right?) doesn't mean you have to stick to the trodden path. Try transmitting messages as files (steganography recommended) over the bittorrent network. Watch the NSA's internet bill go through the roof as they set about reviewing terabytes of rubbish (XMen1, XMen2, XMen3 DivX ripped by Prof.HaXX0re) looking for your meeting invite to a terrorist buddy.
You get what I'm saying. Unless you're with the government, in which case- "Welcome to the internet. Beware of Nigerian bankers named Dr Clement Okon. LOLcats are not funny.".
What does the government's move mean for the 99.9999% of Indian internet users who aren't terrorists? It's wiretap fiesta and you're the main course. This move means there's someone out there (sort of like Spidey, yes?) with infinite power over data on the web and zero responsibility who can look at all your personal or business data any time s/he pleases. With corruption being what it is in India, is it inconcievable that a large, unscrupulous corporation (named "Reliable" and suchlike) would use this power to crush competition ("Me").
I've always felt India not real democracy, nor are we truly independent. Politicians who buy votes with the middle class taxpayer's money only to steal from the poorest of the poor, thereby fulfilling democracy's promise of equality. Freedom of speech guaranteed by the constitution... as long as you don't hurt anyone's sentiments - which is impossible given the number of nut jobs in our country. I'd really rather not talk about it. A government too self-centered and short-sighted to deserve power. An opposition too irresponsible to deserve even a place in Parliament.
Where do we go from here?
Happy independence day.
(*) Why are we so proud of that anyway?
(#) Wikipedia: Nehru-Gandhi dynasty
(*) Why are we so proud of that anyway?
(#) Wikipedia: Nehru-Gandhi dynasty
